The classic stereotype casts the woman in the role of the relational pursuer and the man as dragging his feet. In several movies, the put upon girlfriend eternally waits for the pending proposal from the boyfriend with his list of lame excuses. The thin reasons may be pointless vows or a magical spell causing him to only speak in gibberish. These examples resonate because they feel real from both sides. The guy clings to what he views as valid reasons. The lady struggles to understand while still seeking his affection.
What if there was not a lame reason? What if valid, emotional reasons existed for the guy? Would this be easier to accept?
The reasons might not speak to the woman, but one cannot deny everyone has reasons for the way they behave. Most people never fully grasp what they are feeling or why they act the way they do. Once determined, the other party becomes free to evaluate the reason to assess if they wish to remain waiting for changes in the situation.
Some guys refuse to commit for the same reason certain apartment renters never buy a house. An underlying assumption points to a phenomenon as old as time itself. Everyone thinks there might be something better, different, ideal or any other collection of adjectives. This locks an uncommitted man into a place of perpetual searching. More often than not, no magical answer exists. The follow up question for the woman in waiting is does she want to be viewed as “good enough” to stop the search. Often the answer is no because it implies all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Not the Right Time
How often has one been in a relationship with someone who gives an ultimatum? The line in the sand often sounds like “I’m never getting married no matter what.” Flash forward a few years and this staunch single person is walking down the aisle. Did something magical happen in the interim? No, there was no magic unless the mystical energy of time is attributed. Graduation from college, a new job or a cross country move changes a person’s place in the world. Time alters everything and everyone. Because no one proves immune to its power, the man resisting a relationship may get rocked into a place where they are open to all the joys of commitment to another.
This reason for lack of commitment becomes the most challenging. Not even the one being spurned wants continued pain for the one they profess to love. The damage done because of either past relationships or life trauma stunts the sufferer keeping them in a place where moving forward becomes impossible. For the one desiring a committed relationship, they sound reasonable in their mind and they are. However, the stuck person feels like they are being asked to climb an impossible wall with a massive load they never wanted. They need tenderness. Unfortunately, time and care may never erode the barrier keeping them from committing. In many ways, this situation proves the saddest because the one needing love the most cannot accept it.
Having said all of this, the decision to stay with someone who is having commitment issues, no matter the cause, and working through them requires great endurance. A woman must decide how deep her care for this person goes. She may love him a great deal and still decide it is best for them both to separate. These questions present multiple options for second guessing. Take the time and talk to each other before any final decisions are made. Then stay together or part with deep care for each other.